Cartoon Villainy 101
by little red crayon
Summary: Cartoon Villainy 101, where cartoon evildoers go to get certified in Villainy. Provided they can stand to be in the same room with each other and the professor long enough to graduate.


Disclaiming time!

I don't own these villains, why would I need villains taking up valuable storage space?

* * *

Shredder sat in the tiny desk with his metal fingertips tapping clinkily on the desk top. Where was everyone?

He glanced down at the sheet of paper in his other hand. Room 107. This _was_ room 107. Said so right over the door.

He wasn't _that_ early was he?

He heard a noise in the hall and quickly played it cool. He leaned back in his seat and stared off in the opposite direction from the door. No one was catching him being overeager about some silly little class. It wasn't even a class that he would need; he was the one true Shredder after all.

"_You_!" the voice said, with as much venom as it could muster.

Shredder turned his head showing as much condescension as he could portray through his shiny helmet for whoever was speaking.

In the doorway stood Agent Bishop. Somehow his coat managed to flow even though there was no breeze in the building. Shredder hoped this meant his cape too would flow menacingly without a breeze. It made him feel more threatening when his cape flowed.

"What are you doing here?" Agent Bishop demanded.

"Like I'm telling _you_." Shredder said. There was no way to ignore the fact that he sounded like a teenage girl with that line so he turned to face the other way again.

"Father?"

He spun back around, "Karai?"

She looked as though she would have looked embarrassed if she didn't always have the same annoyed look on her face. Like she's permanently eating a lemon or carrying a frightened skunk.

"Sir?"

"Stockman?" This was getting ridiculous. What was that floating brain doing here? "What are _you _doing here?"

Bishop chuckled at the Shredder's confused fury. Shredder narrowed his glowing red eyes. He'd have to be dealt with later for that.

"I'm only here to find better ways to serve you," Stockman responded. "Master."

Did he think someone as powerful as the one true Shredder was that foolish? He reached for the button that would cause Stockman pain. Upon pressing it he remembered it had worn out from overuse the night before and his scientists were still working on it. Stockman would pay for being such a pain in his shiny metal butt. Oh he'd pay. Later.

"Karai?"

She gritted her teeth. That weasel! He only said one word and she could hear that sappy lovey–dovey tone in his voice. She longed to kick him through a window.

Just then there was a scuffle at the door. Hun and a Triceraton were trying to squeeze through the tiny door at the same time and scowling at each other. Shredder would have laughed if he didn't have to maintain his superior appearance. But no one could see his mouth through the helmet so he smiled as much of a smile as his permanently angry face could make.

Just then the two popped into the room and rolled comically across the floor and the professor walked in behind them. "Welcome to Cartoon Villainy 101. Let's get to know each other shall we."

Oh great, a perky villain. Shredder hated perky.

The professor glanced around from one angry villain to the next. They all glared at each other except Chaplin who was staring happily at Karai. "Do you already know each other?"

No one answered; they merely continued to glare at each other stupidly.

"No one told me this class was made up of villains from the same show! The administration building will be hearing from me later that's for sure."

The class looked at him. Stockman blinked his eye.

"Right, the first step to being a villain is to have a mission. I assume power and glory and control of the world are all good motives for you?"

"And to rid the world of mutant and alien freaks." Bishop said in his most menacing voice. The Triceraton scowled.

The professor nodded. "So who or what is the biggest threat to your evil schemes?"

"The mutant terrapin freaks." Hun said.

"Terra-wha?"

"Tur-tles." Shredder growled.

"Turtles? You're fighting turtles? But turtles are so cute. My daughter got one for her birthday last year- named it Wiggles- all it does is kinda float around and knock down plastic trees and eat cri-"

"Teenage mutant ninja turtles!" Bishop spat out the words venomously. He would not stand here and let this man criticize one of the biggest threats to national, no _global_ security by calling them _cute._ It was bad enough that guy let a Triceraton in here!

"Right. Ok moving on. Everyone have minions of some sort?"

"I have my Triceraton soldiers. They are fiercely loyal in our battle against the scum of the universe." The Triceraton said proudly.

Bishop gritted his teeth. Proud Triceraton creep. "I have the government's support and whatever means I can use to defeat filthy mutants and alien trash."

The Triceraton rolled his eyes. Yeah right, like that puny constipated looking man could defeat the Triceratons.

"The scientists in my lab are highly skilled, though without me they would not accomplish nearly as much." Stockman boasted. "I also have my mouse-"

"I expanded on some of Stockman's creations and they did much of my bidding." Chaplin interrupted. He hoped Karai noticed and thought him clever.

"The Purple Dragons." Hun growled.

"The Foot ninja." Karai gritted her teeth.

"Foot? Or would it be Feet? That isn't the most threatening name for a ninja gang group. Perhaps you should consider new options. Dragons sounded more threatening to me. How about Lions? Tigers? Bears?"

Karai pulled her katana out. The professor took one glance at the shiny blades, murmured an apology, and looked at Shredder.

"These fools." Shredder said gesturing at most of his fellow villains. "And consequently their men." How dare that perky professor criticize his ninjas? He'd pay for that.

"All right, next on our list is the look of intimidation so I want everyone to line up by the chalkboard and give me your best glare." The professor said interrupting the Shredder's daydreams of revenge.

He walked in front of them wielding a clipboard that he kept making marks on.

Karai had turned her usual glare into her menacing glare. It wasn't a huge difference but the instructor nodded just the same.

He approached Hun and couldn't decide where to look, the muscles, the tattoos, the ugly angry face? He marked something down and moved on.

He looked at the Triceraton who was making a low growling sound along with his glare. "Good, good," he murmured scribbling away on his clipboard as he turned to Bishop.

Bishop continued to grit his teeth. It took everything he had to keep from attacking that _thing_ beside him. His faced twitched. The professor looked confused, scribbled something down, and moved on.

Chaplin was next. But he was too busy trying not to glance sideways at Karai or grin because he was thinking about her to be particularly threatening in appearance.

The professor reached Stockman. "I'm sorry, I- I'm not even sure where to look. The brain? The floating eyeball? The hovering canister you're in?"

Stockman quivered, then with a slight whir a hologram of his former face appeared above the canister and glared at the professor.

The professor jumped back for a second then reached up and wriggled his fingers through the hologram. He shook his head slightly and began to scribble on his clipboard leaving Stockman's holographic mouth to drop open in shock and fury.

The professor approached Shredder who had to force himself to look intimidating again while trying not to gloat over Stockman's failure.

He narrowed his glowing red eyes and held his arm up so that his metal spikes would reflect the most light.

"Excellent."

Shredder felt smug. He was winning. It was only natural since he _was_ the one true Shredder.

"And once you've mastered looking intimidating, you can move on to proving that you are indeed a threat to the hero or heroes. That's right class, I'm talking about any superpowers or secret weapons you may have." The professor looked around. "So what makes you the most threatening villain your foes- erm, turtles- will face?" he fought back a smile at the word "turtles" as he thought of Wiggles.

"I have my strength and fighting ability." Hun grunted.

The Triceraton snorted, "I have my army and our highly advanced Triceraton technology."

Bishop quivered with fury. "I'm a government agent with government funding. I _am_ a weapon."

"I have my genius and my inventions. They have often been used to defeat the turtles." Stockman said in his smug voice. It was pretty much the only voice he had. Actually, it was the only voice he had. They hadn't programmed his other emotions' tones into his canister yet.

"I too am very smart… also." Chaplin hoped Karai would notice him. She _is_ why he took the class after all.

Karai groaned and spun around and kicked Chaplin in the chest hard enough to knock him out of the window behind him.

They were on the first floor so Chaplin wasn't seriously injured. Karai grinned nonetheless. She loved kicking Chaplin's annoying butt.

The Triceraton wondered why Karai was grimacing. It never occurred to him that that was a smile on her face. It looked too exasperated.

Hun just laughed.

Shredder envied his daughter. Almost. What he wouldn't give to kick Stockman's can out a window. But he'd just had an idea and he needed Stockman's egotistical genius and team of scientists to put it into play.

Having come up with a brilliant plan, Shredder was impatient to get started on it. The sooner he defeated the Turtles, the better. This class was an incredible waste of his precious time. It wasn't helping him defeat the Turtles, it was just boring him.

Shredder took the best fighting stance he could manage- the one that best reflected the fluorescent lighting off his scary armor.

Hun grinned as his master swung his arm out towards the professor who collapsed to the floor whimpering. "You pass. You pass. You're the worst villain. Valedictorian?"

Shredder chuckled his best evil chuckle and walked out of the room leaving little more than a scratch on the throat of the bothersome professor who proceeded to pass out. Hun, Stockman, and Karai followed him. (Chaplin was trying to climb back through the window after Karai and she wanted to be out of sight before he succeeded).

Bishop was eyeing the Triceraton and plotting the best maneuver to follow and destroy him and his so-called advanced army.

The Triceraton laughed at the professor's predicament and followed the rest of the villains (with the exception of Bishop who followed him) down the hallway to the parking lot hoping his spaceship hadn't gotten a ticket for parking in a handicapped space.


End file.
